A Shared Experience

Tell me if this sounds familiar.

You’ve been swiping right through the endless abyss of online dating for the last couple days. You’ve seen more “what I order for the table is: an espresso martini” prompts than any man should ever have to see.

Then, like magic, your phone dings. You’ve got a match.

Maybe you wont be spending your weekend buried in beer and internet porn…well, at least not as much as you usually do.

You zoom in on your (questionably) attractive new prospect’s profile picture.

An Obstacle Appears

She’s cozied up to a dog in the picture. But this dog is no Air Bud.

No, she’ll be snuggled up to one of 5 different dogs. Here they are in order of increasing prevalence:

• EL GIGANTE: This dog is so big it’s not funny. You wonder if it should be considered animal abuse to house such a massive animal in an apartment. The thing makes Clifford look like a teacup poodle. It’s also going to be a notoriously aggressive breed of dog (Doberman, Pit, some monster that was created when a chihuahua cross bred with a goddamn Bear)

• Life Support: This poor thing is so old it might as well have been there when man domesticated dogs for hunting. He’s so old that when he conducts one of his very frequent fart streams, you could swear you’d seen a dust cloud pop out. He’s got that one weird milky eye and the worst breath you’ve ever smelled.

• The Thing: AGH! OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?! Fuck if I know, man. This little bastard looks like it was teleported here by aliens, lived in a sewer, got hit by a truck, somehow survived, fell back in the sewer and then crawled up through the garbage disposal and started living with the young single woman he found on the other side. Sizes vary, but the weird bulging eyes and patchy, greasy fur seem to come stock on these things.

• The Tripod : I’ve actually got very little against this guy. They are extremely common but largely tame. They’re usually missing a leg and/or another body part or two. This is your date’s way of showing the world she is a caring and nurturing person. This type of dog can still be an asshole, though. When they come hobbling over to assert dominance over you, you’ll start to feel bad for them. When it attacks you, you’ll feel even worse about kind of hating him. Lethal combination here.

• The Great White Terror (aka: Snowball): Every guy who has dated as an adult has seen this dog. It’s about a foot tall, weighs like five pounds, has weird, thin, white fur, it barks all day long at literally everything, it hates you specifically and for some reason it HAS to sprint around the house like it owns the place. But, the tell tale mark on this little asshole is that weird black gunk that always seems to be running out of its eyes. Single women in their 20’s receive these dogs standard issue upon relocating to your local urban center.

But hey, you’re a guy. You’ll be fine. That is, if the dog is well trained.

“He’s like, literally my child”

Newsflash, women in their 20’s are way too busy being women in their 20’s to properly train their dogs. How are they supposed to balance training time with posting espresso martinis pics that match the “aesthetic” of her Instagram story? Regardless of the type of dog, it’ll be the most poorly behaved animal you’ve ever come in contact with.

Every time you meet one of these dogs, the same sequence of events happens.

You can already hear the dog barking/yipping behind the door as you go to knock. She opens the door. You give the girl and awkward introduction with the standard side hug. As you do this, you are assaulted by the canine that actually runs her apartment. While you shout initial greetings at one another, the dog continues to bark, jump, bite and lick you.

At this point, you’re covered in dog slobber and scratches. You attempt to seem like a chill guy with a “oh hey there big fella! What’s this guy’s name?”

The girl usually says his name is something ridiculous, “something, something, his name is very special, something, something, named after her dead grandpa, something, something…”

I’m not trying to sound like a dick there. You just have no idea what the significance is because you were too busy fighting off this hell-hound to focus on the words she’s saying.

Then the girl always says the same thing, “Isn’t he such a good dog? Ugh, he’s like, literally my child!”

She’s kind of right. These things would apparently die if these women weren’t taking care of them (I’m using that phrase loosely here).

These dogs have to go out every 37 minutes. They have to be fed only at exactly 6:07 AM and 8:13 PM (but never on a full moon or during Ramadan). Every one of them have some form of incontinence. They all have an insane amount of energy because they haven’t been let out of their crate all day, and they all have “separation anxiety”. Conveniently, they all “hate men” too.

Wait, I thought dogs were Man’s best friend?

Bottom Line Up Front: Dogs 100% are Man’s best friend. My own dog, Chuck, was the best friend a guy could have. He, and every other dude-owned dog, are also some of the best wingmen a single guy has.

We’ve all seen the way women completely change their demeanor when they see a dog in public. If you have a dog, you immediately transform in the eyes of young single women. You’re no longer the douchey guy at the beer garden with a jersey on. With a dog, you’re immediately showing the potential for fatherhood.

(Nevermind that you’ve been drinking with your buddies every day this week, gambling and losing a concerning amount of money on college athletics, and have yet to figure out how to actually do your taxes)

Of the 50% of modern relationships that begin outside of dating apps, 49% probably started because the guys were walking their dogs near a group of girls. Take your dogs to the park every day if you have one.

If you don’t have a dog, borrow your buddy’s. He already has a girlfriend, the dog isn’t doing him any good anymore.

Clearly, we’ve got some scar tissue when it comes to dogs and dating. I really have met all those dogs I listed, some of them multiple times. However, you can make the dog work to your advantage.

The Ole Switcheroo

The temptation to fight the dog off or ask to have him put away can be high. It can be very high, if you’re not a dog person. If that’s the case, you have other issues but, whatever. I’ll write something about cats and dating some time to make you feel included (or you can, submit a story via DM to The Art of Bro on Instagram, click below and give us a follow).

Next time you’re dealing with one of these beasts, try leaning into it a little bit. Actually play with the dog for a second. Dogs are social creatures just like we are. Imagine the dude who comes out to the bar on boys night but “doesn’t drink”. We all hate that guy. If you don’t play with the dog, you are that same guy in his eyes.

(Disclaimer: This only works with El Gigante, The Tripod and The Thing, wash your hands after dealing with The Thing, though)

You know you’ve crushed it when the dog stops losing his shit. This should take between 5 and 10 minutes. You’ve reached the tipping point when the dog flops on his side and lets out a quick “huff”. You’ve won his trust and turned him from a guard dog to an ally.

This is the canine equivalent of a frat pledge on door duty finding your name on the list and hitting you with a “alright, you’re chill bro come on in”. (His dad is still a top lawyer in Connecticut, though, so don’t fuck with him)

When this happens, your date will be amazed. She’ll say something along the lines of “he’s never like that with any guys, he must like you”. As she walks you out the door, or into her room (nice), take a look back at the dog:

RIP Chuck, WIngman of The Century

You’re getting that look because even the dog knows he’s done you a big favor.

When dealing with Life Support, resist the urge to preemptively pull the plug on him. Start talking about how much you respect your elders, give him a soft pat and ask your date about the ancient one’s life story. Maybe throw in a quick “yeah my old dog was great he was old when he went too…”, look off into the distance longingly then hit her with a “ahh man, sorry, didn’t mean to get emotional there”.

Throw in something sentimental about your grandma for an added display of emotional availability and you’ll be off to the races.

Wait, that was only 4 out of 5…

I know.

The Great White Terror. Those beady, goop encrusted eyes stare you down. He yips for hours on end. You wonder if it will ever stop or if the girl you’re seeing will shut him up. You’ll have no such luck.

The women that own these dogs have gone completely deaf by the time you meet them. She doesn’t even register the un-ending high pitched yips that her little gremlin produces.

You have only 2 options with this little son of a bitch: get out of there ASAP, or punt the fucking thing off your date’s luxury apartment balcony. I urge you to go with the first option. I will also never judge you for choosing option 2. Honestly, I’d salute you.

Bring Out The Shotgun

That heading has two functions here. The first is to signal that I’ll be wrapping this up. I’ll let you figure out the second function. It’s totally not a third option to deal with ”Snowball”.

For all the bro’s that are single, I hope this prepared you for the inevitable. At a minimum I hope it gave you a laugh.

Drop a comment or a funny story below and don’t forget to follow @TheArtofBro on Instagram

Cheers,